Multicultural Birthday Celebrations

Birthdays: a time to celebrate another year of life on this planet. A time to look back, reflect, remember and to be amazed at the passage of time that has slipped by, practically unnoticed through the haze of the never-ending, mundane, day-to-day routines. In our family, a birthday is a day that belongs to the person whose day it is: the entire day exists to celebrate the birthday child! Birthdays hold great significance for us, but we realize that that not every family shares our enthusiasm for marking the passage of time.

Our children’s early birthdays were carefully orchestrated with great fanfare. I spent hours thinking of the most appropriate way to celebrate. I carefully planned the menu, the guest list, the present, the cake… Oh my goodness – the cakes! I had stacks of books with ideas and photographic instructions for making birthday cakes. I researched foolproof decorating techniques that would result in cakes that were recognizable representations of my children’s current passions or interests, or maybe ones that simply looked cute and memorable despite my lack of creativity and skill. On Birthday-Eves (is that a thing? – it is in our house!) my husband and I would stay up late blowing up balloons and decorating the house with streamers and other birthday paraphernalia, certain that our child NEEDED to feel that their home was completely transformed in honor of her special day.

And yet, birthdays were fraught with conflicting expectations and varying levels of enthusiasm outside our immediate family. All three of our children were born in Japan, where it was not customary to celebrate birthdays in the big way we were apt to do. During the early years, we managed to keep birthday celebrations contained to family and close friends who were also foreigners. We held small, intimate gatherings that were not overtly visible or advertised to the outside world of our Japanese neighbors.

By the time our oldest daughter entered school, however, life had altered a bit. We lived in a high-rise neighborhood on the outskirts of Tokyo, with little to no interaction with anyone who was not Japanese. My daughter attended a local preschool/kindergarten, and when her 5th birthday rolled around, I felt that I had a dilemma on my hands. In the 18 months that she had attended her school, she had not been invited to one birthday party. This was not because she was left out, it was merely due to the fact that to my knowledge, not one child ever HAD a birthday party (for friends – I am not sure what families did at home). When she turned five I wanted to celebrate! I wanted fanfare! Cake! Streamers! Balloons! Presents!! We decided to forego having a party with her school friends opting instead to celebrate along with international family and friends who traveled quite a distance to be with us the weekend before her birthday. We had a fun time; complete with the birthday trappings we were accustomed to. However, she (understandably) wanted to also include her close school friends on her actual birthday.

I was particularly close to one Japanese mom at our school bus stop and her son was one of my daughter’s good friends. I invited them over to our apartment on the day of her birthday to have cupcakes. I tried to keep it simple and low key. I served cupcakes and juice but had no games planned. I tried to prepare my daughter for the fact that there would likely be no more gifts. This was to be a casual gathering, more like a birthday play-date.

After helping me serve the children their cupcakes and drinks, my friend pulled a beautiful box out of her purse. She called my daughter over and apologized for bringing such a insignificant gift. Opening the pretty box revealed a glittering heart pendant attached to a black velvet ribbon. It was not my friend’s custom to buy a gift for a child outside her immediate family. However, she knew it was a Western tradition to give presents at other children’s birthday parties. Instead of purchasing a present, she searched her home and found a small piece of jewelry that held meaning for her, attached it to a velvet ribbon and presented it to my daughter as a special token of her friendship.

My daughter will turn 17 on her next birthday. We live in Massachusetts now, and have navigated various birthday party cultures in several different settings and countries since the time she was five. I recently asked her if she remembers any of the gifts she received for her birthday as a child or if she recalls any of the cakes and parties we had. If it were not for photographs I doubt she would remember many details. When we spoke of presents she drew a complete blank until I asked about the pendant. Her eyes lit up. “I remember that! I KNOW I still have both the box and the pendant somewhere in my room upstairs!”

The traditions and expectations surrounding the celebration of children’s birthdays differ from place to place and from culture to culture. I have learned that I cannot presume to expect that birthday parties will look the same in any two locations. My children have attended parties where presents are opened on the spot, and others where presents are tucked away, opened privately and thank you notes mailed at a later date. Some parties have taken place in people’s homes with homemade food and games led and planned by family members while other families choose to support the professional birthday-party industry by holding the party at a bowling alley, movie theater, gym or ice rink. Sometimes adults are expected and encouraged to stay, while other times the parties are strictly “drop off.” In some settings the whole class must be invited while in others, birthdays are private affairs and remain within the family. Certain schools encourage classroom celebrations while others shun any disruption in the curriculum or the singling out of individual students for special attention.

I have have learned to observe and study the customs of those around me in order to know how to interact with people in my environment regarding birthdays. We continue to celebrate birthdays in a big way in our own home and to include close friends in our traditions although our customs may not mirror theirs. We have been pleasantly surprised by the enthusiasm and thoughtfulness of people who care deeply for our children and us and we have discovered and incorporated new traditions along the way.

My friend’s thoughtful act of giving, which was completely outside her cultural experience, remains a precious memory of our time in Japan for both my daughter and I. I am thankful that we were able to cross the barriers of cultural differences and build bridges of friendship and shared memories through the celebration of birthdays.

This post was brought to you courtesy of a series introduced by my good friend Melissa at http://melibelleintokyo.com  Visit her fabulous blog to read more stories about international birthdays.

The Relationship Between Talking and Academic Success

Most parents anticipate that sometime during the first two years of life, their children will begin to express themselves through language. Moms and dads all over the world listen for and celebrate the first recognizable word uttered by their child, whether it be “Mamma,” “Pappa,” “Bye-bye,” or “Ball!”

After learning to say individual words, children usually start to string words together into phrases, eventually mastering full sentences in order to communicate their wishes, needs and thoughts to those around them.

Harvard professor and language and literacy expert Catherine Snow asserts that children learn to talk by talking. Snow and other researchers learned and have claimed for many years that the size of a child’s vocabulary at age 5 is a major predictor of literacy and school success later in life, including skills such as reading fluency, comprehension and the ability to write and communicate clearly and effectively. Recently, Snow and some of her colleagues additionally argue that the size of a child’s vocabulary is superseded by the knowledge base a child has, although there is naturally a direct link between vocabulary and knowledge.

As children progress through stages of development, their communication needs and abilities adjust and expand as they interact with caring adults in their environment. Parents can and do have a great influence on their children’s language and vocabulary acquisition. Some children may seem to naturally be more talkative than others, however, parents and other caregivers can intentionally stimulate their children’s talk from an early age, laying the foundation for later school success and learning.

According to Snow, the first two years of a child’s life are a time when parents need to engage in back and forth verbal and non-verbal interaction with their infants. As parents participate in imitation games with their babies, interpreting their infants’ attempts at communication by responding in kind, they share “proto-conversations” or conversations that occur before a baby can talk. Proto-conversations consist of the back and forth exchange of facial expressions, gestures and sounds including words spoken by the adult. Snow encourages parents to LISTEN to their infants as much as talk to them, because when parents listen and interact responsively to babies, their talk and conversations become more effective as they reflect the baby’s interest and attention.

Throughout and following the third year of life, parents can make the most of their children’s natural curiosity to boost both vocabulary and knowledge skills. Parents of preschoolers will not be surprised to hear that research findings by Michelle Chouinard of Stanford show that from a very young age, children are capable of actively seeking out information by asking questions and that they remain persistent in finding out the answers to their questions. Chouinard found that by the age of 4, most children have asked between 220,000 and 660,000 questions. Imagine how much information they would know if all those questions were answered!

Children are naturally curious. If we want our children to learn, it would be beneficial to them if we engage them in conversations they want to have, discussing topics they want to learn more about. In addition to providing the answers we may immediately have, we can also seek out more information through books and other media to share with our children, thereby expanding their knowledge base and vocabulary as well as providing an opportunity to increase their interests by introducing new topics.

Catherine Snow encourages parents to read books with their children. Primarily, reading books together provides an opportunity for parents to engage in warm, nurturing behavior while sharing a pleasant experience with their children. Snow urges parents to expand upon basic book reading and to participate in dialogic reading. Dialogic reading is essentially having a dialogue between parent and child within the reading experience, with the asking and answering of questions while talking about observations and reflections.

Snow maintains that interacting with children within the context of shared reading experiences provides an excellent opportunity for extending conversational topics, vocabulary and knowledge about topics that may not usually be encountered in daily life and experiences. Reading books together and having back and forth conversations about them promotes question asking, having conversations about emotions, engaging in critical thinking, as well as processing information and making inferences.

Children learn to talk by talking, and therefore as parents, we should encourage them to talk more, to ask questions, to listen and respond. If a child’s vocabulary is an indicator of later reading and school success, we should find interesting things to talk about so we can engage our children in interesting conversations. After many years of research and study, Snow maintains that children’s reading abilities reflect all the conversations and every life experience they have had.

If we want our children to talk, we need to listen to them and respond to what they are saying and asking. We need to give them opportunities to talk and provide them with experiences and topics to have conversations about. These experiences can be through books as well as through actual life occurrences. What did your child talk to you about today? What is your child curious about and what questions have you answered recently on that topic? What new topics can you introduce to your child through books and life experiences?

References:

Duncan, G. J., Dowsett, C. J., Claessens, A., Magnuson, K., Huston, A. C., Klebanov, P., et al. (2007). School readiness and later achievement. Developmental Psychology, 43, 1428–1446.

Rowe, M., Raudenbush, S., & Goldin-Meadow, S. (n.d.). The Pace of Vocabulary Growth Helps Predict Later Vocabulary Skill. Child Development.

Snow, C. (2015, June 24). Learning to talk by talking: a developmental approach to maximizing language and literacy skills. Lecture presented at Usable Knowledge Workshop, Cambridge, MA.

Snow, C. E., Burns, S., & Griffin, P. (1998). Preventing reading difficulties in young children. Washington, DC: National Academy Press.

Use Your Words: Fostering Autonomy Through Conversations

Words are powerful. The way in which we choose to communicate with our children has a great influence on their development, including their sense of autonomy and independence. The words we speak to our children, the manner in which we listen and the respect we show them in responding to the words they speak to us has tremendous potential for shaping their self-confidence and communication abilities throughout their lives.

Yikes! That’s a lot of pressure for a parent! Indeed, the pressure is real, however, the challenge is not insurmountable. In fact, many of the little things you do and say every day already have a huge positive impact on your children. Many caregivers display constructive behaviors while conversing with children of all ages that benefit the children’s development of independence and self-confidence. These behaviors may include:

1. Responsiveness. From the earliest interactions you have with your child as a newborn, she is learning and making connections in her brain. She notices when you are engaged and that you respond to her based on the cues she gives you. The connections in her brain are further strengthened as you make eye contact, listen and respond to her words as you engage in two-way conversations when she acquires language. You are establishing a foundational relationship with your child through your communication with her right from the start. She is learning that she is of value to you and that her thoughts, feelings and words are important, thus building her confidence.

2. Being polite and respectful. Your child is a small person whose confidence and perception of himself and his place in the world is being shaped by his environment. When you are polite to him and respectful in listening to his thoughts, ideas and desires, he will feel listened to and appreciated. Respect and polite conversation is a two way street and he will follow your lead with regards to courteous communication. When you consistently model turn taking in conversations and the use of polite phrases such as: “Please”, “Thank you”, “I’m sorry,” and “I forgive you,” and maintain the expectation that all family members also uphold the same level of considerate interaction with one another, you encourage mannerly discourse that builds confidence, respect and independence for future interactions with individuals outside the family.

2. Sharing your thought and decision-making processes. When you narrate or explain the thinking that goes into making a choice, you give your child an opportunity to learn by observing and hearing the weighing of pros and cons and to see reasoning in action. You are in charge of your children’s safety, security and well-being and thus you make many decisions on a daily basis that effect their lives. Naturally a parent cannot reasonably give explanations for every decision made, nor is it necessary for children to be privy to all the details that go into adult’s decision making processes, but it can be tremendously beneficial for children to hear about their parents’ reasoning and thought processes. It can be as simple as, “When we take off our shoes, they must be put on the shelf so that no one will trip on them.” It can also be a more a more complicated scenario that simply models the step by step process an adult goes through, “I would like to make chocolate chip cookies later; let me look at my recipe, check the cupboards to see if I already have the ingredients, and then make a list of what I need to buy when I go to the store later.” When your children observe and listen to you as you thoughtfully plan and makes decision, they learn about the process of considering alternatives, organizing thoughts and solving problems. As children grow older, they can also be included in some decision making  by offering ideas, options and alternative suggestions.

4. Active Listening. It has been said that while listening, some people wait for the opportunity to respond while others wait to hear what the speaker is saying. Unfortunately, as a parent, I am often guilty of formulating my response, and perhaps even interrupting my children instead of truly listening to what they have to say. Active listening involves whole body listening, including eye contact. When we make eye contact with our children, they know that we are actually engaged and listening to what they are saying. However, sometimes, as children grow older, active listening involves listening without making eye contact due to the fact that children may feel intimidated and put on the spot when looked at. Responsive parents learn to read the signs and participate in conversations that show the child that they are truly listening at times when eye contact is not required. Car rides are good for this kind of conversation, as well talking when the lights are dim at bedtime. Most of all, active listening involves following the flow of conversation with give and take, listening and responding in kind.

Parents who both build confidence-enhancing techniques into their conversations with their children and excel at active listening display some of the following characteristics:

~They remain silent (while nodding or otherwise showing that they are listening) until the child is finished talking.

~They repeat back what the child has said, often in the form of a question in order to check for understanding

~They ask open ended questions that may not have a correct answer and ask follow-up questions to extend their children’s thinking.

~They incorporate choices into their questions by asking OR questions.

~They encourage problem solving by using phrases like,

“It sounds like you have a problem…”

“How are you going to solve that problem?”
“I wonder if….?”

“Have you ever thought about…?”

“What if….?”

The words we use and ways in which we listen and respond can be transformative for our children in shaping their views of themselves and their capabilities.   If we want our children to have confidence and to exert independence and autonomy, we need to give them the opportunity to express themselves and their ideas in an environment in which they feel valued, nurtured and supported. How do you use your words and conversations to encourage your children to confidently share their thoughts and opinions?

Dog on the Loose

“Well, you don’t have to get up and go to work at 4 am, you @&$#%£{!”  A door slammed.   It was nearly 11 pm and my husband and I stood on the street as the misty rain coated my glasses, making it difficult to see. Our 12 year old son’s tear streaked face peered out at us as a police cruiser pulled up and the officer rolled down his window.  The beagle in the woods across the street continued yapping loudly as the policeman questioned our predicament. “Do you have a leash?” he inquired.  “I HAD a leash, but it does me no good at the moment as I can’t even get close to the dog without him running further into the forest!” my husband began to explain while I continued my attempts at coaxing the nameless (to us) dog out from behind the fence by holding out tempting, delicious dog treats.  Another neighbor, dressed in a bathrobe appeared on the scene.  “Mo!” she hollered to no avail.  “You go home!”   At least now we knew the dog’s name.

How did we find ourselves in this unfortunate situation?  We were simply trying to be good parents encouraging our son to take some risks, pursue entrepreneurialism and be responsible. Yet here were, outside on a rainy Sunday night encountering an angry neighbor who called the police to complain about us.  In order to explain, I must backtrack a couple of weeks.

“I want to start a business,” our son, K, announced. “I’d like to earn some money and try to help people.   I think I could maybe shovel snow in people’s driveways this winter.  Right now, since it’s almost fall, I could rake leaves.  I could make a flyer and pass it out to the neighbors and then they could call me.  Everyone has leaves in their yards! Everyone has snow covering their driveways!”

My heart sank and my husband and I exchanged knowing glances. He had certainly identified a need.  We have plenty of both leaves and snow here in New England, however, these needs are highly anticipated and well planned for. All our neighbors either have lawn and snow removal service providers already hired or they own heavy machinery to remove the unwanted deposits of nature. Not wanting to dash our son’s hopes and dreams immediately and completely, we tried to gently lead him down an alternate path.  “Let’s think about some skills you have and things you are good at,” we encouraged him.  “Try to think of something that doesn’t put you in a position to complete with teams of grown men and specialized equipment.”  Visions of app designing, videography or perhaps even cookie baking with online sales were popping up in our parental minds.  Our 12 year old, however, was firmly convinced of the need to offer manual labor to the needy neighbors. Soon he had his light bulb moment.  “I know what I’m good at!  I take Bono for walks and feed him all the time!  The neighbors see me and know that I could take care of their pets when they are away!”

And thus, Neighborhood Pet Care was born.  We asked countless questions as we tried to guide him and help him think through his plans. Eventually he produced a flyer that was proofread and approved by both my husband and I. K and his sister canvased the neighborhood with the printed flyers, making sure that each mailbox at houses where pets were known to reside had a flyer in it. He then waited and checked his phone for emails with some regularity. After a few days of no responses, I suggested that perhaps it might be advantageous for his prospective customers to see him out performing the service he was attempting to sell. In other words: please take our dog for a walk. Lo and behold, his “advertising” yielded a response.  A woman up the street had driven past him while he was walking the dog and she stopped and asked if he was the boy who had left a flyer in her mailbox offering pet care services.  You see, she is a nurse who works a night shift and needs someone to stop in to let the dogs out at night.  She promised to email K with a few possible dates she might need his Neighborhood Pet Care services.

Eventually she emailed some dates and it seemed that there was a possible fit for K to take two evening shifts during a three day weekend.  The job did not seem to entail too much complexity. All he needed to do was to let himself in using the key in the mailbox, put a leash on the smaller dog and walk outside into the fenced in back yard with both the small dog and a bigger one until they relieved themselves. After taking them back inside, K’s only job was to let himself out the front door, pulling it firmly shut behind him until it clicked, indicating that it was locked, and return the key to the mailbox.

The first night of work finally arrived. K was excited and nervous and waited until it was time to go to bed: 10 o’clock since it was not a school night and we had watched a movie as a family. My husband decided to accompany him as it was his first time and he had to enter a strange house in the dark.  At home, the girls and I continued our regular bedtime routines before I realized that nearly a half hour had passed and we had yet to hear from the boys. I texted my husband to check if all was going as planned and received a terse reply. “The little one got loose.  Please come and bring dog treats.”

As I jogged down the street I heard incessant yapping, punctuated by two men yelling at each other.  An irate neighbor whose sleep had been interrupted was yelling obscenities at my husband while shining a bright flashlight into the forest in a halfhearted attempt to locate the offending barker. He accused my husband, who I noticed had a big tear in his jeans from climbing the fence and traipsing through the woods, of doing nothing to retrieve the dog and threatened to call the police. Upon my arrival the angry neighbor went indoors to carry through on his threat.  A tearful K stood inside the house holding on to the collar of the larger dog for dead life. No one wanted two dogs off leash roaming he neighborhood waking up all the sleeping people.

Fortunately the police officer who had quickly responded to the call was both sympathetic and somewhat amused. The bathrobe-clad neighbor was knowledgeable and appeared to be helpful as she was already on the phone with the dog’s owner who assured us that she was on her way to rescue her dog. K was released from his duties and returned home – well past his bedtime and visibly shaken although no longer tearful. My husband and I were also “dismissed” by the bathrobe lady who assured us that she would see to the runaway dog.  The police officer, confident that the situation was under control left the scene.

Feeling responsible, we were uncomfortable with abandoning Mo and the bathrobe lady without knowing for certain that all was well.  After seeing K safely home, we walked back up the street toward the dog’s house. Although initially the stillness seemed encouraging, we soon saw the small canine walking along the street alone. Apparently, Bathrobe Lady had given up and gone back to bed. Upon noticing us (that dog must have a crazy sensitive sense of smell), Mo resumed his yapping. Keeping a comfortable (to him) distance, he followed us back to our house. Each time we made an attempt to approach him, he bolted off into the bushes, clearly skittish. Sitting on our front porch we coaxed him toward us with the dog treats, but he never came close enough to be captured. Eventually, a car drove up the hill and stopped as it reached our driveway. The dog’s owner jumped out and sternly called out, “MO! You GET in the car. Right.now.” Mo complied, and we heaved a sigh of relief as we exchanged regrets and apologies at how the evening had turned out. The car drove away, and we walked inside to comfort and reassure our son.

The following morning, K received an email, gently but clearly informing him that perhaps an older, more experienced person was better suited for the job. Being fired the day after starting his first job stung, but I could see that he was also somewhat relieved to not have to bear the responsibility of a repeat encounter with the dogs.

All in all, the whole episode was a complete bust. K now has no customers and his confidence in his ability to take care of other people’s pets is shaken. My husband and I ended up having to sit outside in the rain for nearly two hours waiting for the situation to be resolved. Could we have made K do it alone? Perhaps, but once the cursing man and police were involved, it seemed inappropriate for him to carry that responsibility on his own. Mo’s owner had to leave work to come home and care for her pet.

However, I do believe it was a valuable teaching experience for all of us. K learned that having a job and taking care of other people’s animals is not as easy as it might appear. We all learned that both animal and human nature is unpredictable and sometimes a situation can quickly spin out of control. Some people do not automatically have other’s best interest at heart and sometimes people can become angry and their behavior may not seem rational (I never knew that people called the police because they are annoyed at a yapping dog – nor that the police would respond!). We all learned that natural consequences can be uncomfortable, and that there is a reason that children need adult supervision and scaffolding. K is learning that when something doesn’t work out, we have to keep going and rethink our plans.

My son’s story will continue to unfold and I am confident that this experience is one that will remain with him and will influence the way in which he views the world, takes risks and makes decisions in the future. He is learning the importance of taking a proactive stance versus simply reacting to situations as they arise. Having taken the risk of putting himself into a new and uncomfortable situation, he soon realized that he also needed to anticipate potential pitfalls and plan accordingly.   I share this story in order to show that we are all still learning, and that life is full of mistakes and failures despite our best intentions and we must always be prepared to encounter the unexpected. We look ahead and concentrate on picking ourselves up and intentionally moving forward, while learning from events of the past.

Let the Children Play: Fostering Autonomy by Letting Go

Researchers on play agree that in order to be classified as PLAY, a child’s activities have to have the following five components. From a child’s point of view play must be:

Non-literal – In imaginative play, I let go of conventional constraints and experiment with new possibilities. When I play, I can be a mermaid. I can fly, and this rock can become a beautiful jewel or a tasty treat.

Intrinsically motivated – When I play, I am doing what I do because I like it. I don’t need to know that I am learning something or that I will be stronger or healthier after having done it. I play because I want to.

Process oriented – I find enjoyment in the planning and organizing of my play. A play scenario may take two hours to set up and prepare for but be completed within two minutes of implementing the plan.

Freely chosen – I play what I want because I want to and I like to. I decide what to do, how to do it and when to start and stop. My companions and I set the rules and adapt them to the changes we encounter but rarely anticipate.

Positive affect – I enjoy what I am doing and I like the people I am doing it with. When I play I am having fun!

Many of us parents tend to look for results and value play because of the benefits from play we can see and measure. We often believe that play should encompass three components:

Social development

Academic learning

Physical activity

When play becomes a means to an end, the value of the process itself of play becomes lost. When activities for children are organized, orchestrated and observed by parents and caregivers, the activities are probably not meeting the criteria for play.

Some parents nostalgically reminisce about their own childhoods filled with spontaneous play, when children went outside, found their own playmates and entertained themselves for hours on end. We have become increasingly concerned with safety and have developed an obsession with learning and the development of skills yet we mourn times gone by when life was simpler. However, parents today often feel guilty if we are not always 100% engaged with our children, maximizing every opportunity for learning while avoiding real and perceived dangers.

The good news is this – children still play and there are many steps parents can take to ensure that children’s play remains process oriented. We can (and should) return play to the domain of children, thereby increasing their autonomy in a developmentally appropriate way. Consider the following DOs and DON’Ts for parents to maximize playtime in order to meet the five criteria of play:

DO set aside ample time for children to play but DON’T adhere to a strict schedule. Maintain flexibility and responsiveness to children’s wants, needs and energy levels.

DO offer choices and provide toys that can be used in open-ended flexible ways and DON’T spend so much time planning projects for your children and directing their play.

DO encourage and expect siblings to play together at home and DON’T schedule too many playdates. Siblings and neighbors of different ages provide a wonderful opportunity for children to spontaneously interact in cross-age groupings that support creativity and development.

DO require cleanup after playtime. Children of all ages can participate in picking up toys and restoring the play-space to an inviting environment that encourages more creative play next time. DON’T leave the same toys out time after time. If a toy has not been used for a while, consider placing it in a new and perhaps prominent location for the child to discover.

DO keep your hands busy with chores nearby, but DON’T try to read, work or talk on the phone. Children have an uncanny ability of knowing when your attention is fully occupied elsewhere and will certainly seek out your attention. If you are doing dishes, folding clothes or cooking dinner nearby, your child will see that you are engaged in an important activity and you can observe them from a distance.

DO occasionally enter into the play by following your children’s cues and the rules they have negotiated. Entering the play in this way can be a good way of extending the play or introducing a new element if done well. DON’T interrupt the play by quizzing the children about what they are doing or attempting to analyze their actions.

DO accept and encourage alternate rules and uses of toys and games. DON’T adhere to convention by requiring that directions on the toy’s boxes or rules as you remember them be followed.

DO allow the children to solve their own problems and engage in rough and tumble play. DON’T allow them to physically or emotionally hurt one another. Thus it is important to remain a peripheral observer who uses wisdom to know when to intervene. Resist the urge to jump in without first giving children a chance to work things out on their own.

“A bird doesn’t sing because it has an answer, it sings because it has a song.”   Maya Angelou

Children don’t play because they have a learning objective, they play because it is fun and they like it.

We need to give them the time, space and opportunity to do just that. The benefits of play will become more apparent if we do.

Playing With Knives: Fostering Autonomy in the Kitchen

“[A Pirahã child] was playing with a sharp kitchen knife, about nine inches in length. He was swinging the knife blade around him, often coming close to his eyes, his chest, his arm and other body parts, when he dropped the knife, his mother—talking to someone else—reached backward nonchalantly without interrupting her conversation, picked up the knife and handed it back to the toddler/” (Everett, 2008, p. 89)

Anthropologists and ethnographers have long studied parent-child interactions and behaviors in cultures, comparing and contrasting goals, teaching and learning styles and variations in communication styles. Clearly, as the shocking vignette above indicates, there are significant differences in what might be considered to be normative behavior from one culture to another.

In Western culture today, it seems we have moved to the opposite end of the spectrum from the example above. At times we may even act as though our children are growing up in a bubble wrapped environment devoid of risk and any hint of danger. Are our children missing out on important learning opportunities? Is there something to be learned from the cultures that value self-exploration and allowing children to play with and use real tools?

For some reason, there are certain aspects of life that we have categorized as unsafe and therefore off limits to children. Day to day food preparation and developing autonomy in the kitchen seem to be one of those areas. Perhaps it is time to step back and think about and question why it is that we do so much for our children in the kitchen. Is it because we want to keep them safe? Do we fear that kitchen tools and gadgets can be misused and harmful? Are we overly wary of bacteria such as salmonella and e-coli? Are we avoiding messes and operating under time constraints that make it difficult for us to release control?

I admit that I am guilty of all the above.

Allowing my children to pour their own milk is risky, I tell myself. What if they drop the whole gallon and milk spills all over the floor? What if the bowl is not steady and tips over? What a mess that will make, and who has the time to clean that up?

But working with a knife is dangerous! My child doesn’t know how to use a knife! What if he cuts himself?

Cracking eggs? When was the last time I even cracked an egg?! And if I let her, the shells would get in the bowl and we’d have egg whites all over the counter…. Not to mention the risk of salmonella! My kid is constantly putting her fingers in her mouth – I don’t want her to get sick!

Measuring = mess! It’s better for him to watch. Quicker too!

Parental reasoning such as this is likely common and completely understandable. However, what is the worst that could happen? There might be a mess, but it can be cleaned. It may take more time, but that can be built into the schedule. Knives may be dangerous, but seriously, most people would be hard pressed to draw blood with a cut from the average kitchen butter knife.

Giving our children more autonomy during mealtimes and food preparation may not be as hard as it sounds. Consider the following tips:

1. Stop and think. Ask yourself this question: “Why am I doing this for my child? Could there be a way for my child to do this for himself.”
2. Listen.  When your child asks to try something “By myself!” consider allowing it.
3. Allow for trial and error. Allow your child to try something on his own. Perhaps you might be surprised at how much he is already capable of – after all, he has been observing and learning from you for a long time already!
4. Talk and plan. Narrate your actions to your child. “I am pouring the milk onto your cereal. First I make sure that the bowl is flat on the table. Is it flat now? What if I set the bowl on this spoon? Now is it flat? No – you’re right. I need to put the spoon over here to the side. Now I hold on tight to the handle like this and gently pour. See?
5. Teach and practice. As a first step, ask your child to help. Repeat the steps involved and guide your child through each step. Encourage your child with words that acknowledge the level of difficulty and assurance that spills and mistakes can be cleaned up.
6. Involve your child in clean up activities without expecting 100% perfection. 
7. Allow your child to practice with real tools but exercise prudence. A three year old can use a butter knife, but please don’t give her the butcher knife as a first tool!
8. Organize a section of your kitchen with your child in mind. Consider providing a shelf or drawer that your child can reach and stock it with dishes and tools that are appropriate for your child to use independently. Allow and encourage your child to help herself to food and drink at appropriate times. Stock a shelf in the pantry with healthy snack and breakfast options (Bonus: you may even be able to sleep in a little longer on weekend mornings!).  
9. Turn your back and walk away. Sometimes children need the opportunity to figure things out for themselves and to make mistakes. Too often, when I am present and observing my children in action, I tend to micromanage. If I let my children try on their own without interfering, they often surprise themselves and me!
10. Adjust expectations according to age, experience and your family needs and routines. Remember that children grow and change and so do their competencies.

What are some of the ways you encourage your children to participate in food preparation and mealtimes? What tricks have you found that make child participation easier and more likely to happen?

For more information, check out these past articles on Nurturance:

Children Doing Chores

How Old is Old Enough?

And for further reading on Cross Cultural Parenting studies, read David Lancy’s article on Folk Models of Child Development

Reference:

Everett, D. L. (2008). Don’t sleep there are snakes: Life and language in the Amazonian Jungle. New York: Pantheon Books.

Is the Overparenting Crisis Real? How Can Parents Combat It?

Recent books and media coverage indicate that current parenting trends in North America  produce young adults who are seemingly unable to take initiative and remain reliant on the caring adults in their lives. We are being told through books and articles that our children are sleep deprived, have sensory motor problems and are unwilling to take risks. Educators, authors and researchers lament the scarcity of young people who possess executive function and self-regulation skills.

Many of us parents worry that perhaps we may be letting our children down. We want to make changes in the way we are raising our children, but where do we begin? Some may wish they had the fortitude and ingenuity to hop off the hamster wheel and blaze a new trail in parenting trends. Many of us are driven by fear. We fear what others may think of us. We fear that if we do not provide our children with sufficient enrichment they will fall behind. We are afraid that if we do not deliver the extra assistance that other parents are offering, our children will not measure up to standards that have somehow become the norm. We fear repercussions from people with power outside our families if we are perceived as being neglectful or remiss in our parenting obligations. We do not want our children to suffer the possible negative consequences of changing the status quo.

But is it true?  Are all of us stuck in the trap of parenting in ways that are ultimately harmful to our children as the popular press would have us believe? Are there trailblazers out there raising their children in culturally diverse ways? Do some parents give their children autonomy, allowing them to take risks and do things independently? Do some parents resist the urge to overschedule their children, allowing for time to play, create and explore? Are some parents relaxed about the development of their children’s resumes? Do some parents even allow their children to fail without picking up all the pieces and putting them together on their behalf? OF COURSE they do!!! Many parents are already raising their children in ways that do not conform to current societal trends and norms.

Here are 10 things many parents are currently doing that run counter to parenting trends that are reported in the mainstream press:

Some parents give their kids free time.

Some parents encourage their children to climb trees.

Some parents tolerate messes.

Some parents accept and encourage exploration.

Some parents turn off the tv and fill the house with music.

Some parents bite their tongues to hold back words of wisdom and advice to their children.

Some parents allow their children to fail.

Some parents leave their children unsupervised to play alone in safe places.

Some parents do not help with homework.

Some parents fight the urge to drive the forgotten homework/cleats/raingear to their child’s school/game/practice.

I have seen parents do all these things. I watch in awe as a mom remains calm when her child is clearly going to spill the milk they are pouring without help. I admire the father who observes his child make several attempts to solve a problem without reaching over to fix it for him. I try to emulate the parents who actively seek ways to build in opportunities for their children to make discoveries and try new things.

Although parents themselves ultimately decide their own comfort levels with regards to risk and failure, freedom and autonomy, I believe that parents need access to more information on ways in which to foster growth in these areas. To this end, I am committed to writing a series of posts offering concrete examples of ways in which parents can begin to alter the ways they talk to their children and how they can give their children the opportunities to practice becoming confident, competent and persistent problem solvers.

How do you parent differently from other parents?  What parenting practices do you employ in order to encourage freedom and autonomy?  What kind of parents do you admire? What questions do you have?  In what areas are you looking for help and support?  Please share your thoughts and experiences in the comments.

The Best Approach to Parenting

While playing at the park, a group of toddlers engage in an altercation. One parent issues a stern warning and begins a slow count to three. Another parent kneels down in front of her child and offers reassuring words of comfort while engaging her child in reflective conversation about the event that just occurred. Meanwhile, one of the offending toddlers is picked up by his caregiver and set down firmly alone on an isolated bench, while a loud pronouncement is made that the child will stay in time out for five minutes. A fourth parent stands off to the side engaged in conversation with a friend, seemingly unaware that a problem has occurred between the children.

Many parents have their own distinct parenting style. When young children and families interact with one another, observations can be made about parenting preferences and we often make judgments about which styles are better or worse.   As we notice other parenting styles, some of us may begin to question our own approaches to parenting or perhaps pat ourselves on the back for implementing superior methods of child rearing.

When we take a moment to reflect and think about different approaches to disciplining and teaching children, we may wonder which parenting style is the best or most effective. Researchers, Robert Larzelere and Sada Knowles at Oklahoma State University recently pondered this very question and designed a study to figure out the answer. Which parenting style yields the best behavioral results over both the short and long terms?

While recognizing that a wide variety of approaches to child rearing are currently implemented throughout our culture, the decision was made to group parenting styles into two main categories: positive parenting and behavioral parenting.

The researchers define positive parenting as intentionally taking preventative actions to teach children behavioral expectations as well as strategies to for safety and optimal interactions with others.   Parents who employ positive parenting techniques use conversations with their children to explain, empathize and maintain open dialogue concerning wants, needs and behavioral expectations. They are opposed to negative consequences and thus avoid time outs, privilege removal, physical punishments and clashes of wills. Instead, they use mild power asserting tactics and strive to find compromises and take preventative actions in order to avoid confrontations. The goal of positive parenting is for the child to develop autonomy.

Behavioral parenting, on the other hand, includes behavioral power assertion or the use of a superior source of power to control a child’s behavior. Parents who follow behavioral parenting principles use consistent, firm discipline methods including forceful commands, physical restraint, withdrawal of privileges and spankings. The goal of behavioral parenting is for children to develop character.

Authors and parent educators from both these opposing approaches firmly believe that their way is the best and that the other approach may be potentially harmful to children. However, how many parents fall squarely into one camp or the other?   Larzelere and Knowles sought to answer two main questions: is one approach superior to the other and do parents consistently and exclusively practice one of these styles of parenting?

In order to investigate their questions, the researchers gathered 102 volunteer pairs of mothers and toddlers and carefully analyzed their interactions over a period of a few months.

The investigators identified the following types of noncompliance in toddlers ranging from mild, parent oriented episodes to oppositional externalizing behaviors.

-negotiating

-whining

-simple refusals

-hitting

-passive noncompliance

-tantrums

-total behavior problems.

Disciplinary tactics were also identified on a spectrum ranging from positive parenting practices to behavioral parenting methods.

-offering alternatives or compromises

-reasoning

-giving affection and praise

-modeling appropriate behavior

-ignoring

-intermediate use of warnings and punishment

-verbal power assertion

-broad power assertion

After much observation and analysis, the researchers found that most mothers varied their tactics and responses to their toddlers depending on the type of noncompliance exhibited instead of simply following one style of parenting. Overall, it was apparent that parenting in real life does not necessarily look like the books parents read and the philosophies they adhere to.

In this particular study, researchers found that offering alternatives was the most effect tactic overall, in particular for behaviors such as negotiating, whining and simple refusals. However, for discipline categories such as tantrums, hitting, and noncompliance, broad power assertion was the most effective parental response.

The researchers discovered that the quality of interactions between parents and their toddlers played a significant role in the effectiveness of offering alternatives and reasoning, whereas the quantity of parent child interactions had a negative effect. The quality of interactions signifies responsiveness between parents and their children while quantity may be interpreted as nagging behavior without the benefit of sensitivity to the child’s needs.

The research study, entitled Toddlers Need Both Positive Parenting and Consistent Consequences From Mothers shows that the most effective approach to parenting and discipline is a consistent, balanced, responsive interaction between parents and their young children. Parents need not choose between one approach and the other, but ideally, they should tailor their responses to their children’s behavior in a manner that is interactive and dependable. Children can and should be reasoned with and need clear explanations for behavioral expectations. Offering alternatives to children helps gives them the opportunity to develop autonomy and to take responsibility for their own behavioral choices. Children watch and learn from the adults around them and thus modeling desired behaviors is a good way to teach children about behavioral guidelines. Young children are prone to push limits and challenge boundaries and when they do, it is in their best interest to establish firm and consistent boundaries and clear consequences for noncompliance, tantrums and bad behavior.

According to the authors of the study, “Parents need the full range of nonabusive disciplinary responses, but should match them to the type of noncompliance exhibited by toddlers.” In other words, know yourself, know your child, consistently and responsively interact with your child and do not limit yourself to one particular parenting trend.

Five Proven Ways to Help Your Child Have a Successful School Year

Summer, the time for carefree hours spent engaging in enjoyable activities, exploring the limits of imagination and creativity with ample time for rest and relaxation is coming to an end.   Judging by the photographs I see posted on social media, I gather that children throughout world are headed back to school these days after an extended time away. My own children will commence their new school year a week from tomorrow, giving us a few more days to finish back to school shopping, get haircuts and otherwise prepare to settle into yet a new routine.

Looking back over the weeks of summer will undoubtedly offer the opportunity to reminisce over fun memories from good times spent on a variety of activities. Some parents however, may face the beginning of school with a few regrets of good intentions that somehow slipped through the cracks of scheduling throughout the summer. There are books that were never read, math that was not reviewed and practiced, museums left unvisited and poor sleeping and eating habits that may have developed could cause misgivings about reaching academic goals going forward.

To the parents who thought they would do more, the parents who had intended to have their children begin the school year better prepared, I have this to say: do not worry.   There are many things parents can do at the start of the school year that will help children be successful in school.

1.   Establish a set bedtime routine in order to ensure that your child gets enough sleep. Sleep deprivation can impact concentration, attention and learning. Sleep is an important and necessary component for learning, understanding and retention of new knowledge. Learn more about sleep and how much sleep your child should have here and here.

2.   Schedule time for family meals and conversations. Research shows that children who are academically successful spend time talking with their families every day about events and people who are important to them as well as current events and issues on a local, national and global level. Conversations such as these are more likely to occur and involve a variety of perspectives and topics when the entire family sits together to eat on a regular basis.

3.  Avoid overscheduling your child. Limit the extra-curricular activities in order to leave room for interaction with family, free time and time for homework and rest without impacting sleep.

4.  Intentionally teach organizational and time management skills. Provide assistance and supervision in maintaining the organization, while gradually pulling back and allowing your child to take control of organizing and learning independently.

5.  Read every day for fun. If your child is under the age of 10, read aloud together every day. Continue reading aloud if your child still enjoys it, but make sure to cultivate the habit of daily reading and model the value and pleasure found in reading.

We all want our children to achieve success in school. Implementing these five tips into your family’s routines can make a significant difference in your child’s learning experience.